July 31, 2004
Elderly driver stopped by police on Interstate 43
Cited for failure to use turn signals, inoperable brake lights, and not observing the speed limit.
First, the city of Kokomo, Indiana orders a bunch of drunks to attend a panel discussion...
...and then it is shocked...shocked...when they show up drunk.
July 30, 2004
Meet Kelly Simo, juvenile delinquent
It's about time her school started cracking down on her appalling misbehavior.
How can someone be smart enough to steal a 4,000-pound rock without getting caught...
...and yet dumb enough to steal a 4,000-pound rock?
July 29, 2004
Everybody needs to have a will
The reason? You want to make sure that after you die, your relatives don't end up squabbling over who gets your stuff.
July 28, 2004
My wife done cheated on me, I wrecked my '56 Chevy, and my dawg died
On the other hand, I just won a million dollars.
We assume this is a legitimate national security matter and is necessary to protect against international terrorism
...and yet, somehow we still wonder...
July 27, 2004
Looking for a good name for your baby?
And the award for the dumbest promotional giveaway of the year goes to...
...the Gillette Company, for "Let's Spend a Million Dollars and Tick Thousands of Important People Off."
In a few moments, the flight attendants will be passing around the cabin to offer you a cocktail or beverage of your choice, along with a snack
...and if you complain about the service, they'll beat you to a pulp.
July 26, 2004
The Harrison Report will not be covering the Democratic National Convention
...and we have a very good reason.
Want to know what attracts young people to New Ulm, Minnesota?
July 25, 2004
And you thought the Ohio state legislature didn't address serious issues of great importance to the public welfare
July 24, 2004
And you thought the Los Angeles City Council didn't address serious issues of great importance to the public welfare
Our favorite thing at weddings is always the part where the bride tosses the carburetor
Here's a toast to a couple who have a successful interstate relationship.
July 23, 2004
Sure, hold the pickles, hold the lettuce...
...but there are some things that you should never ask a person at a Burger King to hold.
What if the entire universe is really just a computer simulation being run by incredibly advanced beings from another dimension?
Apparently, there's a good chance this is true. Here's why.
And if it is true, you'll obviously want a few tips on how to be a better simulated entity. Here's some practical advice.
And if it is true, you'll obviously want a few tips on how to be a better simulated entity. Here's some practical advice.
July 22, 2004
Do you frequently ask questions about cuddling with total strangers?
Law enforcement strikes back!
Faced with a terrifying crime wave that includes jaywalking and stealing library books, police are responding with a massive deployment of resources and lethal force.
Avian extremists target U.S. nuclear facility
The attack is the first known successful use of a dirty bomb.
July 21, 2004
If you're asked to be the best man at a wedding, be sure you know all your official duties
Traditionally, the best man is responsible for: (1) Assisting the groom at the ceremony, (2) Offering a toast at the reception, (3) Causing the entire bridal party to have their vehicles pulled over and searched by police, and (4) fleeing the jurisdiction after being arrested for discharging a concealed semiautomatic weapon.
Exploding toilets problem now affects all levels of society
The danger of a commode catastrophe is very real regardless of whether you're in a high-class British superloo or a humble West Virginia outhouse.
(Contributed by Michelle Peirce)
(Contributed by Michelle Peirce)
July 20, 2004
If you plan to assault people in their car, then blend into the crowd so the police won't spot you, the key is to dress as inconspicuously as possible
If you're stealing food from a snack bar, the key is to be as subtle and inconspicuous as possible
July 19, 2004
How to solve the high cost of health insurance
And the award for the stupidest labor-saving device of the year goes to...
July 18, 2004
American politicians prattle on about war, taxes and health care...
...but the Germans are addressing the issues that really matter to people.
Real men don't use nail guns
...because nail guns are not nearly macho enough.
July 17, 2004
Literary debate reaches new heights on Amazon
One of the great things about Amazon is that it's a forum for thoughtful, serious literary debate between authors and readers. For instance, check out this listing for Robert Hamburger's book Real Ultimate Power, which contains some well-considered "Customer Reviews," as well as a finely honed response from Mr. Hamburger himself.
Wisconsin police call in reinforcements to deal with an extremely dangerous suspect
The suspect was described as prone to tantrums, armed with a "Superman" ray gun, and driving a late-model tricycle.
July 16, 2004
Remember the moron who had sex while driving?
Want to know why cheaters never prosper?
It's because they have to spend so much money on their alibi agency.
July 15, 2004
When magical Druidic swords are outlawed in local hardware stores...
...then only outlaws will have magical Druidic swords.
How to keep the police from discovering your marijuana plants
Step #1: Do not put your plants directly in the path of the Olympic torch relay.
What's 260 times taller than Mt. Everest and consists largely of tea towels and underpants?
Once again, The Harrison Report is here with the answer.
July 14, 2004
Now here's a really low-budget airline
After this, Ryanair plans to get rid of engines and require passengers to flap their arms.
What a long, strange trip it's been
If you're planning to explore alternate realities this summer, be sure to take along a map of Connecticut.
Ancient Rome under attack from gigantic shampoo bottles, cell phones and lipstick
July 13, 2004
'Bra bomb' is the latest terrorist threat
This device could give a whole new meaning to the phrase "bimbo eruption."
Next time, take the bus and leave the driving to us
Many people have been writing to The Harrison Report recently to complain about the lack of articles about moose
So in response, we're pleased to present the latest news on flying moose, on moose assertiveness training, and, of course, on this year's moose dropping festival.
July 12, 2004
Meet adorable little Kayla Williamson
One thing's for sure; she's her daddy's little girl.
A lot of people have unsafe sex
...but only an absolute moron has sex that's this unsafe.
July 11, 2004
If you're one of those people who blithely wanders into enormous pits full of cow manure without realizing that that might not be the smartest idea...
...the federal government is here to help.
July 10, 2004
In the old days, you had to hire a private investigator to find out if your spouse was cheating on you
Now, the police will mail you the compromising photos for free.
In America, we're concerned about transportation security, so as part of the boarding process, they x-ray your belongings and inspect your shoes
...But what will they have to do in India?
Eager to learn more about the Indian railway system? Here's the new guy in charge.
Eager to learn more about the Indian railway system? Here's the new guy in charge.
July 09, 2004
Suddenly, two thousand furious sheep rampaged through the town, violently trampling and maiming passersby in a brutal display of pure animal savagery
Well, okay, it didn't happen quite that way...
Would you like to be the Kenneth Lay Professor of Economics?
Oddly enough, there don't seem to be any takers yet.
The world's largest living thing lives in Oregon
It's 2,400 years old, takes up 1,665 football fields, and has 36,000 genders.
(We didn't even realize there were 1,665 football fields in all of Oregon, although we probably could have guessed about the genders.)
Anyway, it also kills trees, which, we were a little surprised to learn, is actually good for the ecosystem.
(We didn't even realize there were 1,665 football fields in all of Oregon, although we probably could have guessed about the genders.)
Anyway, it also kills trees, which, we were a little surprised to learn, is actually good for the ecosystem.
July 08, 2004
Not just any psycho can practice medicine in Bulgaria these days
Under a new law, psychos will have to take a course first.
Female scientist seeks huge school of cuttlefish for crazy sexual antics
...Must be into cross-dressing.
Did you know that a city can win an award for having excellent sewage?
Neither did we. But that was before we started reading "News That's To The Point."
July 07, 2004
I'll swap ya an anthrax and an avian flu for two staph infections and an ulcer
The CDC is making disease fun again.
Hello, guys from any culture
It's time to destroy all foreign sauces!
July 06, 2004
We report, you decide
July 05, 2004
What's the best way to stop people from loitering in back alleys?
In today's world of law enforcement, you have to be able to quickly handle a wide variety of hostile, dangerous, and just plain stupid behavior
...and that's just from your fellow officers.
July 04, 2004
Hair Jordan
The amazing Parsley achieves the very highest of hirsute honors.
If you have trouble with parallel parking...
...this is VERY unlikely to help.
July 03, 2004
No more boring, vague, euphemistic traffic signs
Under a new Department of Transportation policy, motorists will now be able to receive accurate, real-time information. To see how the new system will work, click on a "traditional" road sign below to see what will replace it.
Dangerous curve
Road construction next 10 miles
Speed limit strictly enforced
Drunk driving laws strictly enforced
Blind people crossing
Slippery when wet
Stop (all directions)
Dangerous curve
Road construction next 10 miles
Speed limit strictly enforced
Drunk driving laws strictly enforced
Blind people crossing
Slippery when wet
Stop (all directions)
July 02, 2004
Hey, kids! Let's dress up as Arab terrorists and go fire machine guns next to the airport!
Okay, so this blind guy is arrested for repeatedly groping women while talking to them about phlegm...
...and what does the court do? It orders him to stop talking about phlegm.
July 01, 2004
Car dealer competition heats up in North Carolina
...but you might want to make sure you get a vehicle with a lot of safety features.
What is it that makes a wedding truly special, magical and romantic?
Well, for starters, it helps a lot if this doesn't happen...
