August 31, 2004
If you're a pet owner, you know that fleas can be a significant problem
But you might not have realized just how significant.
When you've passed away, how will you be remembered by those who knew you in this life?
August 30, 2004
On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese...
I lost all my merit badges; pay me damages, please.
Some say the overall job picture is improving, while others think that even if more jobs are being created, the quality of those jobs is not very high
As for us, we think at least some of the new jobs sound pretty interesting.
August 29, 2004
Computers have become an intimate part of our everyday life
In fact, in some cases they might have become a little too intimate.
August 28, 2004
The latest taste test results from discriminating beer drinkers are in
...and it looks like bad news for Busch.
Radical militants execute a kidnapping victim in Stockholm
Swedish authorities announce that the country's terror alert level has been raised to white with black spots.
August 27, 2004
And the award for the least-deserving lawsuit winner goes to...
August 26, 2004
Repression is still rampant in the former Soviet Union
Despite progress toward freedom, officials in Central Asia are still able to issue arbitrary decrees that restrict fundamental human rights.
The reason so many Americans are overweight...
August 25, 2004
Olympic sports of the future
Someday, we hope to see our country bring home the gold in these events:
Snail spitting
Minister racing
Beer drinking
Cricket boxing
Sex doll rafting
Phone book ripping
And, um, other things.
Snail spitting
Minister racing
Beer drinking
Cricket boxing
Sex doll rafting
Phone book ripping
And, um, other things.
August 24, 2004
To be a good driver, you have to react quickly to changing traffic conditions
...such as road construction, emergency vehicles, or 20-foot-high walls of soap foam.
Thinking of having a Tupperware party in your home?
August 23, 2004
Make love, not war
Your inquiry is very important to us, and the next available customer service representative will respond as soon as possible
In the meantime, please feel free to get married, have kids, put them through college, and plan your retirement.
August 22, 2004
For only a dollar, you can own a piece of movie history
Well, actually, you can own a piece of something that was intended for, but not actually used in, a movie, but that's pretty good for the price.
August 21, 2004
Hey, you, get off of my cloud!
Officials in Pingdingshan are accused of stealing other people's thunder.
August 20, 2004
A lot of people really believe crop circles are signs of extraterrestrial life
And here's a new phenomenon they're going to be very excited about.
Can't choose between reality TV and The Sopranos?
August 19, 2004
Don't throw out that miniscule replica of the world's largest badger
Somebody might be interested in it.
To what extent should science be used to explore the hidden frontiers of mysticism?
In this case, we wonder if science may have gone too far.
August 18, 2004
What's the best way to reduce the number of frivolous lawsuits?
Simple: Appoint less attractive judges.
Italian politicians are very concerned about the possibility that someone has a distorted view of reality
...and after reading this, we are too.
August 17, 2004
The Israeli military has been put on high alert
Soldiers are returning from the West Bank and Gaza with reports of really weird lights in these incredible colors, and, like, munchies.
Playboy claims being associated with wild parties and beautiful women has damaged its reputation
August 16, 2004
Many elderly people retire and then become lonely and bored
But some people find something useful to do with their time.
I may not know much about art...
...in fact, I can't even recognize it when I see it.
August 15, 2004
Okay, so a few of our state legislators might be 'girlie men'
If you've ever wondered why a lot of Californians don't seem to have a very good grasp on reality...
August 14, 2004
You have exactly 60 seconds to go to the bathroom
Now you can journey to the center of the Earth and book a return trip on Expedia
August 13, 2004
When we grow up, we want to be an advertising critic
...so we can get paid to write stuff like this.
Those who can't do, teach
And those who really can't do, teach driver's ed.
August 12, 2004
Something's rotten in the state of Alaska
But it's not yet clear if it's the halibut, the airport baggage handlers, or both.
Security has been increased at many more buildings in the U.S.
The Department of Homeland Security has issued an updated "Orange Alert" after receiving new intelligence suggesting that Al Qaeda is now targeting sardine museums.
August 11, 2004
This whole 'extreme makeover' craze has gone way too far
And finally, the authorities in Tasmania are doing something about it.
Proper planning is the key to having your wedding reception go off without a hitch
It's best to tell your friends to practice their toasts in advance, so they won't be nervous. Several days before the reception, confirm important details such as floral arrangements and table centerpieces. And it's always wise to caution the bride's family to wait until after the reception is over to engage in murder, corpse desecration, and cannibalism.
(Did you find this news item disturbing? If so, don't worry; you probably won't remember it for long.)
(Did you find this news item disturbing? If so, don't worry; you probably won't remember it for long.)
August 10, 2004
Want to know why the Angels are in contention this year, and the Devil Rays aren't?
European authorities are struggling to deal with major social problems
August 09, 2004
Your car's owner's manual explains how to deal with any conceivable problem that could affect the operation of your vehicle
...except this one.
Of course, this problem is much more likely to occur in some places than in others.
(Contributed by Monica Jacoby)
Of course, this problem is much more likely to occur in some places than in others.
(Contributed by Monica Jacoby)
Rubber ducky, you're the one
August 08, 2004
Every effort is being made to rescue those seven people whose helicopter crashed in Borneo
How do Americans feel about networking?
Finally, there's completely unbiased, scientific, objective polling data.
August 07, 2004
Warning: The 17th century Dutch master paintings in this museum have all 'flipped'
August 06, 2004
Want to do something to help the Sri Lankan economy?
We thought we did, too, until we read this.
Attention beefy men who love to dance
August 05, 2004
Wedding announcement of the week
Our congratulations to this couple, and we wish them great happiness in Costa Rica, or, hopefully, someplace even further away. (Be sure to click on the "Photo Gallery.")
If you want the very best in hard-hitting, incisive, in-depth football coverage...
...then you probably don't want to get your scores from a daily online newsletter devoted to corkscrew collecting.
August 04, 2004
Q. What is an 'eco-tourist'?
A. Apparently, it's someone who dumps 5,000 gallons of diesel fuel in pristine Alaskan waters.
Q. What is the opposite of an eco-tourist?
August 03, 2004
"Topeka -- Last Gas for 130 Miles"
Most illegal drugs are manufactured by international cartels in sophisticated labs specially designed to elude police detection
British and Italians clash in furious EU parliamentary debate
Europe is now polarized over the issue of whether women clean behind their refrigerators enough.
Of course, it's always important to clean your refrigerator. You never know what you might find in there.
Of course, it's always important to clean your refrigerator. You never know what you might find in there.
August 02, 2004
If the thong doesn't fit, you must acquit
Charges against a pair of Nebraska men are dropped after they offer a perfectly reasonable explanation for their actions.
Washington, D.C. transit police, highly trained and motivated, are doing an excellent job cracking down on terrorist threats
..and, um, on other things, too.
August 01, 2004
What if your insurance company insists that you're dead, but you disagree?
That's apparently a common problem in Unionville, Missouri.
