February 28, 2005
Thanks to the FCC, we never have to see Janet Jackson's breasts again at the Super Bowl
Apparently, this is what we'll be seeing from now on.
It has a refreshing nose, a lively but smooth taste with several interesting notes, and a superb finish
February 27, 2005
We hope you'll stop in and try our delicious new spring menu
The menu is served lightly braised and finished with a bearnaise sauce.
Crime report from Chapel Hill
Convenience store clerks throughout the area are living in fear.
February 26, 2005
If you have trouble getting the shrink wrap off new CD jewel cases...
...then you're probably not going to like this idea.
There are literally thousands of websites out there that will enable you to improve your life and become a better person
We're just not quite sure this is one of them.
February 25, 2005
What do you do with your dryer lint?
It appears that some people do more interesting things with it than others.
(You may need to type "dryer lint" in the "Search for" box at the top.)
(You may need to type "dryer lint" in the "Search for" box at the top.)
February 24, 2005
In a recent survey, 93% of people agree that life has become more stressful and that a big problem is not having enough time to get things done
On the other hand, it appears that the other 7% still have way, way too much time on their hands.
February 23, 2005
In the epic battle between the toads and the Northern Australians, the toads have so far been winning
But the Australians are fighting back, and they may now have the ultimate weapon.
What we look for in a politician is someone who's honest, who's competent, and who genuinely cares about the welfare of the community
It also helps if they're not a frog.
February 22, 2005
Coming next season: 'Queer Eye for the Straight Inmate'
Brought to you live from Maricopa County.
Want to know what all the experts are excited about now?
February 21, 2005
And the award for 'Least Desirable Legal Reform of 2005' goes to...
High-level professional thieves have a keen sense of the value of merchandise and know exactly what to target during a home break-in
Of course, not all burglars are high-level professional thieves.
February 20, 2005
We all know that driving while chatting on a cell phone is dangerous
But driving while gargling will get you put in the slammer.
February 19, 2005
In the old days, people who really didn't like someone would tell them to 'go fly a kite'
And we think we've finally figured out why.
The Department of Homeland Security plans for catastrophic events by using complex computer modeling to predict how people will react
Click here to see an example.
February 18, 2005
Due to heavy call volume, all our customer service representatives are temporarily busy
Thank you for your patience. Your call will be answered, oh, probably right before the cello cadenza toward the end of the third movement.
In Greek mythology, the Sirens were mysterious creatures in a remote place whose beguiling attractiveness lured men to a watery grave
Today, we know them better as garden gnomes.
February 17, 2005
Sometimes you don't really even know what a product does...
...and yet something somehow kind of tells you that it might be dangerous.
In Sikeston, Missouri, they have zero tolerance for students on drugs
...and for teachers with an ounce of common sense.
February 16, 2005
Salsa has now surpassed ketchup as the best-selling condiment in the U.S.
And we predict something similar will soon happen in Sweden.
Do you come here often? I'll bet you're a Sagittarius. You have such beautiful eyes...
No wait! I didn't mean it!
February 15, 2005
Naturally we were disturbed to hear that the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are being tortured by being exposed to sexually provocative women
Thank goodness, at least, they no longer engage in such cruel and intolerable practices in Mexico City.
To all those poor depressed people out there who feel that their life is meaningless, we say...
Oh yeah? Well as far as we're concerned, you don't know beans about meaninglessness.
February 14, 2005
Savvy air travelers know that you can't bring nail clippers or razors with you in your carry-on baggage
But here are a few other common, everyday items you might not have realized you're not allowed to bring on an international flight.
True confession: We sometimes take the little bottles of shampoo and a couple of coat hangers from our hotel room
And we don't feel so bad about it any more.
February 13, 2005
Here's an unusual Valentine's Day gift
If you're fed up with chocolates, roses, jewelry, and romantic candlelit dinners, you might be ready for this.
February 12, 2005
Remember when Chicken Little said the sky was falling?
Well, now it's the other way around.
Meet the newest crime-fighting superhero
February 11, 2005
What if the Earth were taken over by menacing space aliens with poor grammar and a monotonous techno-beat?
The world might look something like this.
Price check in aisle nine!
Attention shoppers, rush to the flashing blue light and take advantage of today's special!
February 10, 2005
North Korea is no longer part of the Axis of Evil
It has joined the Axis of the Completely Beyond the Fringe.
The faster you drive, the bumpier the ride is
At least we think that's what these researchers discovered.
February 09, 2005
Attention Chopper One, we have a felony in progress, suspect headed west on Main at a high rate of speed, please follow and attempt to apprehend
Oh, and when you're done with that, we have one other little problem you can help with...
No, honey, as a matter of fact I was not watching a dirty movie on the VCR
I was studying for the Dutch immigration exam.
February 08, 2005
It's very likely that Congress will crack down on frivolous lawsuits this year
So we say, enjoy them while you still can! Post a comment and say if you prefer this one or this one.
There are a lot of perils in online dating
But here's one we never thought of before.
February 07, 2005
Yes, you can get a good mango smoothie and watch Ingmar Bergman films in McCook County, South Dakota
But you'll face the wrath of outraged local citizens.
The Thailand tourism industry has been struggling to recover from the effects of the devastating tsunami
But frankly, we're just not sure that this is really going to help.
February 06, 2005
Philadelphia finally made it to the Super Bowl, and the city has every right to be proud of the Eagles
We're not sure, though, that it should be as proud of the Eagles' fans.
February 05, 2005
Finally, Germany is doing something about its unemployment problem
The country has found an effective new method of getting people back on the payrolls.
The situation is growing increasingly tense at the University of Montana
...as the traditional rivalry between the law school and the forestry program threatens to spin horribly out of control.
February 04, 2005
For toilet training, we recommend a comfortable potty chair and training pants
...but only if they've been empirically validated and peer-reviewed.
O give me a home...where the buffalo roam...
...where the visiting teams come to play...
February 03, 2005
Today's kids are spoiled. When we were young, we didn't have a school bus; we had to walk three miles every day to school
Well, actually, that's not true; we did have a school bus. But it dropped us off at home, and if we wanted to visit a porn shop, we had to go there all on our own.
When it comes to foreign policy, the only thing the so-called mainstream media want to tell you about is the Middle East
If it wasn't for The Harrison Report, how would you know what's really going on in the rest of the world?
February 02, 2005
At many birthday parties, a little girl busts a pinata and candy drops out
But when a little girl drops out of a pinata and then gets busted, that's news.
What's the best way to get rid of an old washing machine that no longer works?
Well, you could hire someone to haul it to the dump...or you could use the simpler method.
Ordinarily, if a naked man runs across the parking lot and jumps in your car, you'd want to alert law enforcement
Which is particularly easy if the naked man happens to be law enforcement.
February 01, 2005
On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese...
...we used magnetic resonance imaging, and determined moisture content with ease.
