March 31, 2005
Ordinarily, Denmark has a very lax, tolerant attitude toward sex
But some behaviors have finally prompted the government to take action.
'Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find a restroom?'
On second thought, never mind.
March 30, 2005
In Australia, some seven million are currently living without adequate health care
If you don't think New Mexico state legislators are seriously concerned with the welfare of their constituents...
...then you've probably been reading this.
March 29, 2005
First we'll see the contestants in evening gowns, then there's the talent segment, then the swimsuit competition
...followed by walking a straight line and reciting the alphabet backwards.
We strongly support the Freedom of Information Act
...as long as it doesn't result in any actual information being released.
March 28, 2005
And the award for 'most unfortunate name for a candidate for county sheriff' goes to...
When the King and Queen of Norway meet with President Bush, they will have to deal with difficult questions of trade and international human rights
March 27, 2005
What does the man on the street think of the war in Iraq?
Actually, we never found out. The man on the street was a little distracted by this.
So these two engineering students were arguing about where to go to get the best local pizza...
March 26, 2005
Want to hear about the hot new gadget that's causing a stir at the consumer electronics expo?
We thought we did, too, but boy, were we wrong.
March 25, 2005
If you liked 'The Village People'...
Just wait until you meet their dogs.
When the liquor stores and bars have all closed, some people will go to great lengths to get a drink
March 24, 2005
What's the top target of sophisticated international thieves these days?
Art? Diamonds? Industrial secrets? Nope, it's this.
Although Dan Rather has left the CBS Evening News, he hasn't given up reporting
Apparently he's now a correspondent for an Islamic Web site.
March 23, 2005
78% of Americans say they are annoyed by other people's cell phones
The other 22% still haven't been exposed to this.
Are you a former Connecticut police officer engaged in illicit activities with a plush fruit toy...
...or are you just happy to see us?
March 22, 2005
We might not know much about art...
...but we know what we enjoy seeing vandalized.
We're sorry, but we thought 'Bad Santa' was a lousy idea for a movie
And we're not very fond of this, either.
March 21, 2005
If you build a better toad trap...
...then Northern Australia will beat a path to your door.
When it comes to online dating, the key to success is knowing exactly what you're looking for
...and what you're willing to put up with in order to get it.
March 20, 2005
Pssst...Want to know a secret?
We thought we did too...but now we're not so sure.
March 19, 2005
There's a reason why the outfits that make a splash at the top European fashion shows don't always end up being a big hit on the street
March 18, 2005
Most parents find it very difficult to talk with their children about the birds and the bees
Thank goodness they don't have to also tell them about the elephants.
If you enjoyed all the news coverage of the grilled cheese sandwich that looked like the Virgin Mary...
March 17, 2005
People who say that guys can't cook don't know what they're talking about
Guys can cook just fine. They just need the right recipe.
Want to know the top beauty secrets of glamorous Hollywood celebrities?
March 16, 2005
Most of the experiments being performed at the International Space Station are resulting in tremendous scientific advances
Not all of them, perhaps, but most of them.
If you don't believe that lawsuits in the U.S. have gotten out of control...
...then you haven't read this.
March 15, 2005
Have you ever been at a very solemn occasion, such as a funeral, and all of a sudden something caused you to start laughing uncontrollably?
Something like, say, the name of the cemetery?
Attention K-Mart shoppers...
Rush to the men's room to take advantage of today's blue light special.
March 14, 2005
If you want to enhance your self-esteem and generally feel better about what you've done with your life...
Why watch all those untalented people on American Idol...
March 13, 2005
Having a sex-change operation has the potential to cause a lot of physical and psychological trauma
So we recommend just changing your sex and skipping the operation.
March 12, 2005
Most people assume that mortuaries are melancholy places where quiet, somber employees engage in gloomy tasks
In Georgia, however, they can be quite exciting.
Apparently, plastic surgeons are no longer content just to perform face lifts and tummy tucks
They're solving problems in many other fields as well...and publishing their findings.
March 11, 2005
Many people wonder why the tax accountants and auditors working on Enron's books didn't notice anything unusual
If you enjoyed the improbable heists in Ocean's Eleven and Ocean's Twelve...
...then you're gonna love Swimming Pool's Thirteen.
March 10, 2005
If I could talk with the animals, grunt and squeal and squawk with the animals...
Did you hear about the female Japanese skier who wants to join the NBA?
March 09, 2005
I don't know what's wrong, Doctor, I've just been kind of depressed lately; I don't sleep well, and I don't look forward to getting up in the morning
It's reached the point where I no longer even enjoy chewing my cud.
Some comic-book superheroes, such as Superman and Batman, have become an integral part of American popular culture
Others, however, are still waiting for their big break.
March 08, 2005
If you're a parent with small children, you've probably been bored to tears more than once at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant
But that's because you haven't been to the one in Aurora, Colorado.
Crime report from Lenexa, Kansas
...where the corn is high, and the motorists are higher.
March 07, 2005
Here's how to make the Winter Olympics interesting again
Get rid of the luge and the synchronized speed skating, and provide a lot more coverage of this.
March 06, 2005
If you're going to become a Biblical scholar, you have to learn a lot of languages
...so you can translate obscure texts like this one.
March 05, 2005
No, ma'am, we were not having a food fight just now
We were engaged in a commemorative historical re-enactment.
March 04, 2005
We've heard of Potemkin villages...
But at the University of Michigan, they have a Potemkin dorm.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste
So pack yours up and send it in today!
March 03, 2005
This weekend we're going to make a radical political statement
We're making it for our newborn nephew; he's going to look so cute in it!
And for dessert, we recommend the chocolate mousse
We find that just about everybody prefers it to the ethanol.
March 02, 2005
Ordinarily, if a naked man runs across a parking lot and jumps in your car, you'd want to alert law enforcement
...which is particularly easy is the naked man happens to be law enforcement.
Terrorism, EU expansion and paying for the welfare state are dominating the legislative agenda in European countries
Well, most European countries, anyway. There might be an occasional exception.
March 01, 2005
Every person is born with a unique talent, and the goal of life is to figure out how to use it to help others and make the world a better place
Of course, this is a more difficult task for some people than for others.
A terrorist threat has prompted action in Winchester, Kentucky
And while you might think it's not very likely that the local high school will be overrun by zombies, the authorities aren't taking any chances.
