October 31, 2004
If you're tired of hearing about classrooms where the teacher can't keep students' attention, maintain discipline and keep everyone in line...
October 30, 2004
Friends don't let friends listen to country music
If someone you know is thinking about listening to country music, take the threat seriously. Help is available; take action now before it's too late.
For centuries, religious historians have been debating what was really at the bottom of the Protestant Reformation
October 29, 2004
Before you vote this year, The Harrison Report urges you to inform yourself about the issues and think very carefully about the candidates
But even more important, take off that Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt!
Many 'web artists' are creating brilliant works that stretch the boundaries of art and interpret universal themes with profound, original perceptions
October 28, 2004
A rabbit can make a wonderful pet
Two rabbits, on the other hand, is a recipe for disaster.
October 27, 2004
When dealing with people of other faiths, it's important to be culturally sensitive and not say things that could inadvertently give offense
Now that Bill Clinton has finished his memoirs...
...he's thinking of starting a new career as an airport screener.
October 26, 2004
Here's what 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' will be making over next season
The St. Cloud, Minnesota homecoming football game.
Our heroic police officers always have to be ready to confront highly dangerous suspects: terrorists, violent gang members, armed robbers...
October 25, 2004
Can your phone do this?
We were very excited about spending our vacation in Tulsa this year...
...but the more we read, the more we're leaning toward Little Rock instead.
October 24, 2004
Now there's a viable alternative to in vitro fertilization
It's a pumpkin with a cute little hat.
October 23, 2004
If you've been wondering why all those issues of Us and GQ are lying around the barnyard...
The Nebraska Attorney General's Office is fighting hard for your rights
...and especially for your constitutional right to live next door to a topless dancer.
October 22, 2004
Rome, the 'Eternal City,' is filled with world-famous historic monuments and priceless artistic treasures
But if anybody asks, you didn't hear a word about it from us, okay?
You know what police officers really hate responding to? Calls about domestic disputes
October 21, 2004
The bad news is, your sewer bill is going up
The good news is, the sewer district is using the money to make some very important improvements.
We've been saying for years that if we switch from paper ballots to electronic voting, we should not put chimpanzees in charge of technical support
And after this, maybe people will finally start listening.
October 20, 2004
High-stakes international corporate litigation requires brilliant, well-crafted arguments and a thorough analysis of legal theory and precedent
Also, it helps if the attorney on the other side can't use a fax machine.
If you don't think outsourcing to India is a problem...
...just ask the guy who had his baloney amputated.
October 19, 2004
Is causality an inherent and necessary characteristic of the universe?
The U.S. Supreme Court has defined pornography as material that lacks any socially redeeming literary, artistic, political or scientific value
Interestingly, that's also a pretty good description of this.
October 18, 2004
You shouldn't feel guilty about wasting your time reading The Harrison Report
It could be even worse. You could be wasting your time reading this.
About those 1,500 pigeons who showed up on the Riviera, sipping drinks by the pool and laughing about dumb Swedes...
We have an idea where they might have come from.
October 17, 2004
In most places, people build statues to honor great heroes and civic leaders
But in British Columbia, they have a slightly different approach.
Politicians are often people who have an inordinate psychological need to be liked and to please others
October 16, 2004
To all those people who say nothing exciting ever happens in Kingston, New Hampshire...
...we say: Well, you're right, but you still might enjoy hearing about this.
October 15, 2004
True or false: If you drop food on the floor but you pick it up within five seconds, you can eat it
At last, The Harrison Report can provide a definitive answer. All it took was a group of Ph.D. microbiologists, an environmental scanning electron microscope, and a group of gummy bears willing to sacrifice themselves for science.
You know all those complicated procedures they've put into effect at airports in order to make us less vulnerable to terrorists?
Well, they're making us more vulnerable to terrorists.
October 14, 2004
Face it: In today's world of higher academics, you can't expect to get an advanced degree unless you speak several languages
And don't go trying to tell us that we should make special rules for you just because you're a dog.
Here's a couple who could use a little more conversation
...and a little less pitter-patter of blue suede shoes.
October 13, 2004
If you enjoyed 'Kindergarten Cop'...
Remember those nice men in the gold lamé leisure suits with the penis-shaped TVs at the waist who wanted to negotiate a bilateral trade agreement?
Bad news: It's just possible that it was all a hoax.
October 12, 2004
Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free...
I lift my lamp beside the, um, nude beach.
In a new poll, more than 35% of Americans say they're too busy to find time in their life for prayer
Fortunately, there's a solution.
October 11, 2004
The Harrison Report urges you to say no to drugs
But if you just can't resist, then whoa, dude, like, check this out!
Have you heard about the new 'smart car'?
It can figure out if you're speeding and issue you a ticket. And if there's an accident, it can provide conclusive evidence that you were at fault.
We're sticking with our dumb car for now though, thanks.
We're sticking with our dumb car for now though, thanks.
October 10, 2004
Poland's state railway has gotten very serious about discouraging delays
...maybe a little too serious.
October 09, 2004
Yes, our librarians wear pointy glasses and wear their hair in a bun
On the other hand, they don't wear anything else.
October 08, 2004
Ever been to Angola, Indiana?
Don't bother visiting...it stinks.
A lot of people are talking about ways to strengthen our international alliances
As usual, The Harrison Report is here with helpful advice. Our first recommendation is not to do things like this.
October 07, 2004
Luke...I'm your father
Now hand over all the money...and the pepperoni.
As people reach middle age, they often have a reduced sex drive due to hormonal fluctuations, family and work pressure, and other psychosocial factors
That, and McDonald's cheeseburgers with rocks in them.
October 06, 2004
Here's how you can tell which airline passengers are really Middle Eastern terrorists
They're the ones carrying the adult sex toys.
Welcome to the Great Falls, South Carolina town council meeting
On tonight's agenda: repairing potholes, the school committee budget, and rebuking demons out of the pits of hell.
October 05, 2004
Looking for something interesting to do in New Delhi?
Here's one tourist attraction where you just have to go.
"It combines the charms of a Disneyland with the worst of the Soviet gulag prison camp"
October 04, 2004
It's a close election, and supporters of the candidates are dying to get their message out to voters in the swing states
Have you always had trouble using a hula hoop?
Well, here's the secret...sort of.
October 03, 2004
We've finally figured out what was wrong with the artist formerly known as 'Prince'
...and you'll be happy to hear that the government is spending $7.9 million to find a cure.
When we were in college, we pulled a lot of wild and crazy pranks like this
Well, okay, maybe not quite like this...
October 02, 2004
You can trust your attorney
Because if your attorney was the kind of person who did really bad things, they'd take away his law license...right?
October 01, 2004
You'll be pleased to hear that the Sri Lankan police have broken up one of the biggest vice rings in the country
And here's a look at the crack vice squad that was responsible.
Wasted away again in elementary school
Some people claim the lunch ladies are to blame...but we know it's nobody's fault.
