November 30, 2004
The real secret of Bill Clinton's success was his uncanny ability to feel other people's pain
And recently declassified government documents are starting to suggest how he may have been able to do it.
"The hidden dangers posed by lavatory decadence"
In Great Britain, a national crisis is being blamed on kinder, gentler toilet paper.
November 29, 2004
Have you gotten one of those flyers from your bank that explains the details of its privacy policy?
November 28, 2004
Many people don't realize how much is involved in building a highway
There are highly complex financial, structural and engineering issues to be resolved...as well as other challenges.
November 27, 2004
Look...up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!
No, it's an origami anti-terrorism weapon.
Thanksgiving tip: During dinner, don't tell your uncle to use a knife instead of his fingers
Because he just might do it.
November 26, 2004
Q.: What do you call a lawyer with a bad hair day?
November 25, 2004
If you're having friends and family over for Thanksgiving...
...you'll want to make sure they sign this first.
Looking for a great holiday gift for the schizophrenic on your list?
How about a self-help book?
November 24, 2004
Ivory soap: It's not just for bathing anymore
Here's an exciting new idea for people who have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do.
Some people think intercollegiate competitions have become too focused on big money and prestige at the expense of education
As for us, we just think some of them have become kinda weird.
November 23, 2004
If a glacier falls into the sea and no one is there to hear it, what is the square root of a penguin?
We don't know...but we know where to find out.
For college students, a semester in Europe is a good way to experience a culture whose values, priorities and customs are very different from our own
That's why we recommend avoiding it.
November 22, 2004
Here's the most important thing to remember about toilet training
Always teach your toilet to stay in its seat and not run out onto the field.
Brawls among pro athletes, popular music with violent themes, and vulgar TV stunts all reflect the general coarsening of our society and its manners
Fortunately, some people still know how to behave with social grace and civility.
(Contributed by Christine Radice)
(Contributed by Christine Radice)
November 21, 2004
Here's a website that has a very important message for all of us
And if you figure out what it is, let us know.
November 20, 2004
If you think about it, your life is really never so bad that you can't find one little thing each day to celebrate
...even if you live in Nebraska.
Attention anyone planning to drive in Mississippi
You should be aware that 40% of the state's drivers cheated on their license test. No, we're not making this up.
November 19, 2004
Today's topic: Can the need for coronary angioplasty be caused by spending too much time operating a museum of menstruation in your basement?
We're not sure, but after reading this, we think you can't be too careful.
If you're going to succeed in the, uh, dog-eat-dog environment of world-class competitive eating, you need more than a ravenous appetite
November 18, 2004
Sometimes you see a news article that makes you deeply appreciate the role of lawyers and their dedication to noble principles of equity and justice
However, this is not one of them.
Please don't feed the giraffes
And whatever you do, don't give another thesaurus to the zookeeper.
November 17, 2004
We always thought it was charming that Barry Bonds takes time out of practice each day to feed the pigeons
...until we realized that there could be fowl play involved.
And we thought we had problems with unwanted guests over the holidays...
November 16, 2004
Do you enjoy working with small children and the elderly as they pick through garbage?
Then have we got a job for you.
The Red State voters like faith-based initiatives, while the Blue State voters feel more at home with Hollywood and the entertainment industry
November 15, 2004
Thank you, choir, for that lovely hymn...
At this point in the service I would ordinarily deliver a sermon; however, I have to go on a coffee break.
You can stop being concerned about Middle Eastern terrorists now
We've got much bigger problems to worry about.
November 14, 2004
During tonight's performance, there will be no smoking. Also, please turn off all cell phones and pagers.
November 13, 2004
A lot of people think that too many frivolous lawsuits are being filed these days
The widespread use of eBay has raised many new and disturbing questions in our society
But very few are quite as disturbing as this.
November 12, 2004
You know those boring stories in the newspaper about all the trivial stuff that happened at last night's local council meeting?
Well, this one is just a little bit different.
Police in Nashua, New Hampshire are doing an excellent job of protecting residents from terrorist threats
They're also very good at blowing away packaged poultry products.
November 11, 2004
The liberal media want you to believe that it was the fox that robbed the henhouse
But at Fox news, they give you a slightly different perspective.
Planning a trip to Australia?
You'll want to use this handy guide to important points of interest.
November 10, 2004
Here's the real reason your computer crashes so much
The problem is incompatible programs.
More urgent news from McAlester, Oklahoma
A bizarre mystery has engulfed the area and left residents in a state of complete bewilderment and uncertainty.
November 09, 2004
Here at the Tokyo railway station, lockers are available for your convenience
Here are some holiday gift ideas for the person who has everything
...and with whom you want to stop being in touch immediately after the holidays.
November 08, 2004
For the ninth straight year, the cost of college tuition in the U.S. has risen faster than inflation
On the other hand, you really can't put a price on the value of a liberal arts education, or the lifelong intellectual benefits of studying the classics.
Why, sure you can bake quiche in a microwave...
...if you don't mind it ending up here.
November 07, 2004
Oklahoma City crime update
Things aren't perfect yet, but at least the police are cracking down on the most serious offenders.
November 06, 2004
Here's everything you always wanted to know about sex...
...but were afraid to ask the Vatican.
Half the territory is a no-man's-land where local government simply doesn't exist; the population is dying off, and basic services are unavailable
Afghanistan? Iraq? Nope. Maine.
November 05, 2004
Faster than a speeding bullet....more powerful than a locomotive...
...but powerless against the Swedish tax authorities.
Here's some terrorism news that you might find rather disturbing
...and a little gross, too, for that matter.
November 04, 2004
If you thought Bush v. Gore was a fascinating Supreme Court decision...
...then you're going to love Bush v. Flipper.
Here's to the brave men and women of the armed forces, who risk life and limb in defense of God and country
...or, um, well, country, anyway.
November 03, 2004
Q.: Why did the idiot cross the road and crash into a department store?
A.: Because the sign on the store said, "Target."
November 02, 2004
If you go on a long vacation, it's a good idea to have someone house-sit for you while you're away
However, we do recommend that your house-sitter be somebody you know.
Cynics have always believed that you could buy your way into elective office in the U.S.
They just didn't realize that you could do it online, with a credit card, for $21.50.
November 01, 2004
Bulletin: Dan Rather has left CBS News
It appears he's now working for a Saudi newspaper.
New Englanders should be proud: They now have the national championship baseball team, the national championship football team...
...and the national championship sewer treatment team.
