December 31, 2004
Watching a ball drop in Times Square? Forget it!
You have to go to central Pennsylvania if you really want to see how to ring in the New Year.
Here's some important foreign policy news you might have missed
This is a perfect example of the kind of reporting you just won't find in the biased, one-sided mainstream media.
December 30, 2004
We knew the Walt Disney Company was having a lot of corporate difficulties lately...
But we didn't realize it had reached this level.
Here's a sneak preview of next year's hot new sport for absolute raving morons
December 29, 2004
Although The Harrison Report strongly supports existential absurdity, we try not to take it too seriously
'Cops' is an American TV show in which real-life police officers respond to complaints of burglaries, drunken behavior, and domestic disputes
As for us, we prefer the British version.
December 28, 2004
Don't try these experiments at home!
Actually, it's perfectly fine with us if you try these experiments at home, as long as you have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do, and in the case of the radiation and rapid oxidation tests, your homeowner's insurance is all paid up.
Here's another news story about a Rottweiler involved in a vicious, brutal attack with tragic consequences
This one, though, has a twist.
December 27, 2004
We always knew hockey was a dangerous sport
We just didn't realize how dangerous.
A lot of people object to having a cell phone tower go up in their neighborhood
But some of them have more interesting reasons than others.
December 26, 2004
For holiday family fun, we recommend the new Mary Poppins play
December 25, 2004
...When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
...involved in a labor dispute.
December 24, 2004
It's often said that the French are militarily weak and prone to surrendering quickly
So we were intrigued to read that the French are now using a brand new, highly effective piece of offensive weaponry.
December 23, 2004
When most people get fired from a job, it looks bad on their resume
But when some people get fired from a job, it looks absolutely ridiculous on their resume.
'Gilligan's Island' is often regarded as one of the most inane sitcoms in the history of television
And yet, it turns out there was a genuine scientific basis for much of its humor.
December 22, 2004
If you're like most people, you're sick and tired of the billboards, strip malls, and fast-food joints that have sprung up along America's highways
So here's something just a little bit different.
If you want to know why health care costs are through the roof...
...here's part of the problem.
December 21, 2004
Sometimes a brilliant scientist will be called to give a highly respected professional opinion in an important lawsuit with broad social ramifications
...And other times, stuff like this happens.
Harvard and Yale have a legendary rivalry that stretches back more than 120 years
And as far as we're concerned, Yale just won.
December 20, 2004
What's the ideal place to locate a school for young people with behavioral difficulties?
We're not sure, but we somehow doubt that this is it.
Here's a great idea: Let's invite a radio shock jock to speak at a sports awards ceremony for children
We're shocked...shocked...to discover that some uptight wowsers were offended.
December 19, 2004
If you send your kids to junior high school in Texas, one thing you can be sure of is that they'll be taught values
They might not be taught the right values, but they'll be taught values.
December 18, 2004
And the award for the most creative revenge by an ex-wife against a deadbeat dad goes to...
December 17, 2004
Sometimes we think about giving up blogging and starting a career in clinical psychiatry
But we wouldn't want to have to do the research.
Today's question: What do crocodile dung and beaver-testicle tea have in common?
You can find the answer to this and many other fascinating queries at your local museum.
December 16, 2004
We're relieved to hear that our airport authorities are finally determined to deal seriously with their issues
We're just not quite sure they've targeted the right issues.
You know what we miss most about college life?
Participating in protect marches against unfair administration policies.
December 15, 2004
This holiday season, you might be thinking of attending a cultural event at your local performing arts center
Maybe you should think again.
The wonderful thing about America is that regardless of one's economic or social background, anybody can eventually earn a university degree
December 14, 2004
The eyes of the world are on the Ukrainian election, because of its important geopolitical consequences
We, however, are more interested in the Romanian election, because the issues are just so much more compelling.
Say hello to the newest special interest group: the Association of Dead People
Interestingly, when the dearly departed battle against government bureaucrats, the bureaucrats have the advantage because they have more inertia on their side.
December 13, 2004
Recent news reports indicate that our food supply, our shipping containers, and our nuclear power plants are all highly vulnerable to terrorist attack
On the bright side, though, we're making significant progress in cracking down on the imminent threat posed by fourth-grade girls.
December 12, 2004
Looking for some great holiday gift ideas?
Then we recommend avoiding the Harrison Report Store!
It's important to know the right kind of people to invite to your dinner party, but it's equally important to know whom not to invite
Here are fifty people we strongly suggest you do not invite.
December 11, 2004
The U.S. Patent Office is the home of many of mankind's greatest inventions: the electric light bulb...the radio...the computer...
According to the Centers for Disease Control, the three leading causes of death are heart disease, cancer, and stroke
We'll be interested to see, however, whether this starts slowly climbing up the list.
December 10, 2004
We've been wondering what all those pollsters are asking people about now that the U.S. election is over
It appears they are focusing on other critical issues of our time.
A Harrison Report exclusive! Interview with Susan Jones Ley
She reveals the secrets of her phenomenal success: Talent, hard work, a can-do attitude, and a keen understanding of what kinds of things llamas like to do at different times of the day.
December 09, 2004
Sometimes we watch reruns of old TV shows and wonder, 'Where are they now?'
And then sometimes it occurs to us, we don't really want to know.
Sure, you could spend $379,000 buying a brand new escalator and having it installed in your home...
Or, you could just take one that's lying around
December 08, 2004
What is it about New Jersey that makes it so special?
Is it the pollution? The refineries? The turnpike? No...it's the people.
Old soldiers never die
They just move to Iowa and find really weird ways to amuse themselves.
December 07, 2004
You shouldn't argue and fight with your in-laws
Heck, anybody can do that. What you should do is reveal the intimate details of their housekeeping and decorating deficiencies in a shocking online photojournalistic essay.
Job listing of the week
Uncle Sam wants you to haul around dead cattle suspected of having mad cow disease. Apply here.
December 06, 2004
Some cops spend their entire careers waiting for that one big case...the one that makes their whole life's work meaningful and worthwhile
If you're looking for a thoughtful holiday gift for that special person who loves music...
December 05, 2004
One thing we really hate is religious charlatans
And apparently, we're not alone.
December 04, 2004
What was the universe like before the Big Bang?
A revolutionary new scientific theory has raised the intriguing possibility that it was, like, very dark.
The Eastern European states of Georgia and Ukraine are moving away from Russia's sphere of influence
And while the mainstream media prattle on about democracy, economics and the European Union, The Harrison Report reveals what's really behind this important geopolitical development.
December 03, 2004
Uncle Carl has been doing very well since we put him in a nursing home
In fact, he's happier than we've ever seen him.
The Harrison Report presents today's dieting tip
Read the instructions that go with this recipe, and you won't want to eat anything for a week.
December 02, 2004
We used to get mad at our computer when we clicked on a link and nothing happened
Then we realized that it wasn't necessarily the computer's fault...and computers have feelings too, you know...in fact, some of them are a little on the overly sensitive side.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal...
Oops...sorry! I didn't mean it, honest!
December 01, 2004
Looking for something exciting to do in Huntington, Indiana?
We couldn't find anything either. But we did come across this.
If you've always wanted to create reality...
...now you can do it in easy steps...in just 10 minutes a day!
