January 31, 2005
We love the fact that you can now buy a single track online rather than an entire CD
We've put together a selection of our favorite hits from The Beatles, The Crickets, The Monkees, and The Frogs.
(Click on the arrow buttons at the left to hear excerpts.)
(Click on the arrow buttons at the left to hear excerpts.)
You can forget all about 'security moms,' 'Nascar dads' and 'values voters'
For the first time, The Harrison Report reveals the really critical electoral swing group.
January 30, 2005
And the award for 'weirdest state legislature' goes to...
January 29, 2005
Many parts of the U.S. have been experiencing terrible weather recently
But nowhere is the weather as terrible as in Athens, Ohio.
People who talk on a cell phone while driving can unnecessarily endanger their fellow motorists
But people who eat an apple while driving are Public Enemy Number One.
January 28, 2005
Want to know what kind of scientific research is being conducted to determine consumer taste preferences?
Take our word for it, you really don't.
The U.S. Constitution entitles all criminal defendants to a trial by a jury of their peers
...and for people accused of misbehaving in a Tennessee trailer park, a jury of one's peers could be a very interesting group.
January 27, 2005
Many graduating students face uncertain futures because they don't receive enough career guidance in school
On the other hand, some students receive way too much career guidance.
Coming soon: The Harrison Report Personals
Our goal at The Harrison Report Personals is to allow socially dysfunctional misfits with bizarre inexplicable obsessions to meet other eligible singles who have compatible interests.
You'll be happy to hear that we've already introduced this person to this person and this person.
You'll be happy to hear that we've already introduced this person to this person and this person.
January 26, 2005
One of the advantages of the tenure system is that it allows professors to do original, pathbreaking research into matters of great social importance
Of course, it also allows them to do stuff like this.
When people go to law school, they learn to write analyses of legal decisions in a special language that is impenetrable to the uninitiated
...and here's a case in point.
January 25, 2005
If you're looking for an exciting and interesting place to visit in early June...
...then stay the heck out of Heeney, Colorado.
Female college student looking for fun date
Hey! Let's meet after class and go grab a burger.
January 24, 2005
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...
Inexplicable crime of the week
Not only is the crime inexplicable, every single thing about this entire article is inexplicable.
(Brief registration required but worth it.)
(Brief registration required but worth it.)
January 23, 2005
The leading cause of power outages in the U.S. is falling tree limbs during storms
...and not, as you might expect, nineteen tons of frozen squid.
January 22, 2005
Here's more proof that the BBC staff have gone over the edge
Now they're trying to "sex up" their cuttlefish coverage.
Q. What do a Romanian striptease and a free pizza have in common?
A. They're both vital steps in the Canadian immigration process.
January 21, 2005
We always knew school cafeteria food was really disgusting
The wonderful thing about America is that it's full of unique, original, independent, free-thinking people who see the world a little differently
Not to mention some real weirdos.
January 20, 2005
Remember, the customer is always right
Well, unless it's this customer.
Many small children misbehave in church
But that's because their parents are taking them to the wrong church.
January 19, 2005
Want to try that new Serbian restaurant down the street?
In light of the recent earthquake and tsunami, many governments are now setting up early warning systems
In Tokyo, however, they're making more elaborate plans than most other places.
January 18, 2005
Many people think 'The Barney Song' is the most mindless, annoying piece of music they've ever heard
But that's because they haven't heard this.
If you're planning to go hiking and camping this spring...
...don't forget the essentials: compass, flashlight, insect repellant, and this.
January 17, 2005
Here's a great way to keep your New Year's resolution and drop ten pounds
All you have to do is change your religion.
January 16, 2005
The EEG is a miraculous medical device that has been used to create many stunning advances in scientific research
However, this is not one of them.
With smart bombs, missile shields and stealth bombers, the Pentagon has made war much more high-tech and efficient
In phase two, however, the Pentagon is setting out to make war a lot more fun.
January 15, 2005
When top underwriters and investment bankers want top-notch high-yield bond research, there's only one analyst they trust
It's the guy over there, in the stunning little black dress and high heels.
In basketball, it's good if your players are strong enough to intimidate the opposition
But it's even better if just their name is enough to intimidate the opposition.
January 14, 2005
If you carry around a remote control that operates your brain...
...we suggest you be very careful where you put it.
Every ten years, the staff of the U.S. Census Bureau undertake the arduous work of counting all of the nation's citizens
During the other nine years, though, they mostly lollygag around the office, waste time, and play juvenile pranks.
January 13, 2005
Heard any good lawyer jokes lately?
If so, you'd better not repeat them.
When most students get the munchies, they order out for pizza
But when film students get the munchies, it's a little more complicated.
January 12, 2005
What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
And that which we call a nut by any other name would still be a nut.
January 11, 2005
Attention people in Missouri looking for something ... anything ... to do
You'll be delighted to hear that a brand new pastime has been authorized.
What did those turkeys know, and when did they know it?
Like gravy, the Turkeygate plot continues to thicken, as the press gobbles up a scandal at an embroiled Congressional office.
January 10, 2005
The founders of the great world religions have inspired entire civilizations and changed the course of history for millennia
This is not the story of one of them.
And the award for 'Worst Name for a New Car' goes to...
January 09, 2005
When longstanding local holiday traditions are ruined by the demands of commercial progress, it can be a very sad thing
And in some cases, it can be a completely bewildering thing.
January 08, 2005
What would Orson Welles' The War of the Worlds have been like if it had involved penguins instead of Martians?
Also, if it hadn't been on the radio but instead had been done entirely in primitivist-chic web animation...and was really, really short, and had a consciously post-modern sensibility, along with a soundtrack consisting pretty much entirely of French cafe music? Well, probably something like this.
The Swedes are terrific at coming up with lightweight, functional, aesthetically minimalist furniture
Unfortunately, they're not that good at naming it.
January 07, 2005
The BBC staff have a reputation for being among the world's most intelligent and sophisticated broadcasting professionals
...but all that's about to change.
WARNING! CAUTION! DANGER!!
Don't even think about using a toilet brush or a thermometer until you've read this.
(Contributed by Christine Radice)
(Contributed by Christine Radice)
January 06, 2005
If you see a road sign that says, 'Beware of wild elephants foraging on the road at night'...
We recommend that you take it seriously.
Here's why U.S.-Canadian relations have been strained lately
The mainstream media will tell you it's because of the Iraq war, but they just don't want to deal with the real issue.
January 05, 2005
We were very proud when we first learned that the top Air Force brass enjoy reading all the crazy stuff on The Harrison Report
Now, however, it's starting to worry us a little.
Looking for a great new place for your next office party?
Consider taking over a nearby country.
January 04, 2005
Our top government leaders get paid big money and have incredible perks
But that's because, when the chips are down, we count on them to make the tough decisions.
This time of year, many people decide to contribute to organizations that are improving people's lives and making a positive difference in the world
Organizations, in other words, that are very different from this one.
January 03, 2005
If you don't think police work is extremely serious business...
It's voice-activated, glows in the dark, measures your blood sugar and body-fat ratio and e-mails your doctor if there's a problem
So which will it be, wind chimes or traditional harp?
January 02, 2005
A recent survey shows that 46% of people sleep in their underwear; 29% sleep in a nightgown, nightshirt or pajamas; and 23% sleep in the nude
...thereby risking a jail sentence.
In Colombia, the government is fighting a deadly serious battle against murderous international drug cartels
...along with a remarkably silly battle against jaywalking.
January 01, 2005
#1 New Year's resolution in West Berkshire: Lose weight
