September 30, 2004
We hope you enjoy your visit to the Shanghai Public Park
Just make sure you observe the rules.
The shocking truth about prison life in Tennessee
As long as you can get cold beer, it ain't so bad. It sure beats goin' back to livin' with Lurleen in that double-wide.
September 29, 2004
Vatican theologians are taking a sudden interest in going to nightclubs with punks in hot pants
Apparently they've been having a little too much vinum Aemilianum with their domestica crepida.
Are you utterly fascinated by collecting data on towers that carry high-voltage wires, and want to meet other exciting singles with the same hobby?
Boy, have we got a website for you.
September 28, 2004
In the movies, a spiritual medium will typically gaze into a crystal ball and tell you you're about to take a long journey or meet a handsome stranger
In real life, of course, a spiritual medium's predictions are much more mundane.
When the recording at customer service says, 'Your call is very important to us,' do you believe it?
Somehow we suspect this is actually closer to the truth.
September 27, 2004
We've always supported the convenience of one-stop shopping
...but this is going too far.
Bill Clinton has been strongly advocating an increased level of involvement with U.N. peacekeepers
September 26, 2004
If you thought skimpy bikinis were inappropriate at the Miss America pageant...
...all we can say is that they would be even more inappropriate here.
September 25, 2004
A lot of people are wondering if Britney Spears faked her wedding
What we're wondering is, did this couple fake their wedding?
Here's the real reason lawyers get paid so much
It's because they have to spend years studying complicated precedents so they can render informed judgments on tough legal issues.
September 24, 2004
Behind every great scientific discovery is a brilliant mind with a courageous, original vision
...as well as a bunch of idiotic volunteers drenched in viscous snot.
Germans have come to pride themselves on observing principles of tolerance, inclusiveness, and openness to cultural diversity
...and yet, we're still not sure this is really necessary.
September 23, 2004
For most people, EBay is merely a way to unload a lot of unwanted junk
For a select few, however, it's a cathartic autobiographical exercise.
You've probably heard by now that Cat Stevens has been deported
...but did you hear that Customs authorities have also detained a potentially even more dangerous threat?
September 22, 2004
With satellite radio, you can get more than 3,000 stations, from rock to reggae, from opera to easy listening
...but you still won't be able to find this.
Many Americans are intimidated by the fine manners of the British, as well as their long and noble history and impeccable taste
September 21, 2004
What do you get when you cross a Lutheran Bible study with a Britney Spears video?
A lot of people think negative campaigning has gone too far
...but we think it's just starting to get interesting.
September 20, 2004
If you discovered a new kind of shark that had hairy bristles and big nostrils and jumped like a frog, what would you call it?
Somehow we doubt you would name it this.
Warning: It's now illegal to go to the bathroom in the U.K.
...unless you ask permission first.
In other news, it's also illegal for priests to drive to Mass and for airline passengers to carry a bookmark.
In other news, it's also illegal for priests to drive to Mass and for airline passengers to carry a bookmark.
September 19, 2004
As if professional hockey doesn't have enough problems these days
First the entire NHL season faces cancellation due to a labor dispute...and now this happens.
September 18, 2004
Ordinarily, The Harrison Report does not endorse political candidates
However, we feel you should give strong consideration to Sheila Bilyeu for U.S. Senate.
Also, we have very positive feelings about the Eastern Tiger Salamander.
Also, we have very positive feelings about the Eastern Tiger Salamander.
Important health news for people who have simply had it with the traditional, ineffective remedies for arthritis in camels
Here's something that really works.
September 17, 2004
The BBC has had its credibility challenged a lot lately
First there was its coverage of the Iraq war...and now this.
For as long as people can remember, drivers have slid behind the wheel, felt the breeze in their face, and had a sense of romance about the open road
September 16, 2004
In the old days, the only ones who ever really came out ahead in a divorce were the lawyers
But that was before dogimony.
The Montana Department of Wildlife is out to protect you
...from having too wild a life.
Presumably, the Montana authorities are worried that a fence like that could draw some pretty weird visitors.
Presumably, the Montana authorities are worried that a fence like that could draw some pretty weird visitors.
September 15, 2004
Nothing goes together quite like 11-acre cornfields, professional auto racing, and gigantic lab-rat mazes
...and if you feel the same way, here's a tourist attraction you won't want to miss!
You know how everyone is constantly saying that transvestites just can't hold their own in a game of elephant polo?
September 14, 2004
The Harrison Report presents tips on fine dining
Tip #1: If you're in a restaurant owned by the Soprano family, don't try to go home without leaving a good tip.
Let's face it: American judges are way too lenient with criminals
September 13, 2004
In the past, you couldn't trust 'Pravda' because it was full of Soviet propaganda
Nowadays, though, it has become a respectable, mainstream news publication.
A lot of things can spoil a family picnic -- rain...obnoxious relatives...insects...
September 12, 2004
What's the difference between a Toronto meteorologist and an incurable moron?
September 11, 2004
Because of teacher shortages, these days a lot of teachers are being asked to stay on the job past their normal retirement date
...but this is ridiculous.
September 10, 2004
No, we don't yet have the technology to predict when earthquakes will occur or when terrorists will strike
Many students and alumni are unhappy with University of Arizona president Peter Likins
The issue, as so often happens in these high-level academic disputes, comes down to flying tortillas.
September 09, 2004
You know how your teenage children are always telling you that you're not very smart?
It's about time our presidential candidates started discussing the real issues
So far, we've heard a lot of talk about Iraq and health care and the economy, and almost nothing about this.
September 08, 2004
Ordinarily, we don't worry a lot about historical revisionism
But this is going too far.
Looking for a great Halloween costume for your kids?
September 07, 2004
If you've been trying to decide whether to abandon your entire boring existence and devote every waking moment to stalking William Shatner...
...here's a simple test that will help you.
Airline safety is a top priority of the Homeland Security Department
...and yet, there are still some threats that haven't been effectively addressed at all.
September 06, 2004
What sort of person can unite a war-torn land bitterly divided by ethnic rivalries and religious strife?
September 05, 2004
Heard about the hot new makeover show on Animal Planet?
Okay, I just bought an exercise bike, a leather jacket, a digital camera, and a wall clock, and I hired a janitor and a personal trainer
And I expect the government to reimburse me, because it's an anti-terrorism expense.
September 04, 2004
Hey guys! Want to win a new car in a local radio station contest?
If you're one of the lucky respondents, we'd also like to talk with you about an exciting investment opportunity involving a bridge.
September 03, 2004
From time to time, everybody uses small bars of hand soap
...but how often do you really think seriously about them?
If you want your child's birthday party to be memorable, you need to have a special guest show up, such as a clown or a magician
September 02, 2004
Want to support a legal defense fund that's committed to working for human rights?
No? Well, how about chicken rights?
If you're wondering why it's so hard to find good help these days...
...this might be the problem.
September 01, 2004
Another reckless mountain climber expedition ends in tragedy
The bottom line is that even highly experienced mountaineers should never attempt a technically difficult ascent without fixed ropes, crampons, and supplemental oxygen.
Does your business need a consultant who can see the big picture and predict the future direction of your industry?
